Monday, September 22, 2014

Grocery shopping with a baby: A delightful narrative

Okay, Evelyn is buckled up in the cart with no big complaints, so far, so good. Now to head into the store. What's first on my toothbrushes. Let's see, this one's too much money, not cute, no tongue scrubber, but I don't ever use the tongue scrubber so why does that really matter, I don't know it just does. Am I talking out loud. Stop talking out loud, you're in public. 

And Evelyn is crying. Here chew on this toothbrush package. Bingo! I'm so good at this. Okay grab some body wash and it's over to grocery land we go. Was that my toothbrush on the ground? Yes, yes it was. Okay if Evelyn throws it down again she's not getting it back. I mean after this time. Okay this is really the last time I'm picking it up. Fine I'll just put it in the cart. And she's screaming now. Do I really need food? Yes the fridge is empty. 

"Ha ha Silly baby, shh, you're okay"

That's not working. People are starting to look. Whatever, I'll just go really fast. I don't think I have that many things on my list. Oh, right, I brought toys! Here baby have this little book. Score! Yeah I'm totes pro at this. Okay now yogurt. Do I buy the yogurt with Hello Kitty on it or just the regular kind? Well it's not like she'll care that Hello Kitty is on it but it might taste better. Hello Kitty makes everything taste better. Does one have more sugar? Crap I'm talking out loud again. Be quiet! Compare ingredients quickly while child is calm and we're going with Yoplait, cheaper per ounce. 

Man I should have thought of giving her that book earlier, that was golden. Now for Cheerios. Don't they have a smaller box? Why in the world is cereal so expensive? Maybe if I just stare in this same spot long enough the item I want will magically appear before my eyes. Alright, Jocelyn keep moving. We're going with alpha will be educational or something. 

How did my cart get so full? That is a lot of stuff. Let's see, tomato soup, diced tomatoes, tomato sauce, tomato paste. Do I have a can of this at home already? Better grab two just in case. And Evelyn is wailing now. Where did the book go? Where's the....oh yes. She threw it. Lovely. 

Here, play with some parmesan cheese. Nope. Umm, uhh, stop yelling, please stop yelling. How did you turn yourself around like that while you're still buckled? Well fine, I'll just unbuckle you. And silence. Oh that lack of sound is so beautiful. Crap! Sit down. No, don't stand up.

"Hehe sit down Evelyn, silly girl."

Sit your butt back in that seat before I glue it down myself! Now she's yelling, standing and people are looking.  Well fine if you want to be in the back of the cart so bad, have it your way. There you go. Playing with cans never was this much fun. Now where do they keep the pork? Chicken, turkey, beef....Ah there it is! Geez why do I need so much? What am I feeding an army? I guess this is going to feed us for the week. 

Gah! Evelyn no! Don't throw the cans out of the cart! Grr. I hope that growling wasn't out loud. You're going back into the baby seat. Shoot, that's where I put the meat. I'll just grab the meat in one hand and grab her in the other...if she would let go of the cart. Let go! LET GO! And carefully place this stack of raw meat in the...yeah...that's what I meant to do. 

Back in the baby seat with you missy. I'm going to ignore those wails of displeasure. Throw your head back all you want, I'm almost done getting everything. Yikes she's looking rough. Tears, snot, red face. I am not embarrassed. This is just life. Wow, she can sure yell loud. Don't give me that pitying look you Walmart employee. I'm fine.

Holy crap she's loud. Am I smiling? I'm totally smiling. This isn't funny. But I'm giggling now. Jocelyn stop giggling this instant or people are going to think you're some kind of deranged parent. It's either laugh or cry. Alright we'll go with laugh this time around. Don't let them know you've been defeated. 

Just the produce and we're done Evelyn just hang in there. Of course then I have to buckle you into the carseat that you hate and load the car, drive home and unload the car...but we'll just take it one step at a time. Here play with this plastic bag. Yes, you mother with the smiling perfect child, I am letting my baby play with a plastic bag. Don't judge me. Your kid is ugly. Ha. 

Phew. Through the check out line and the plastic bag is still working like a charm. Geez that's a lot of money. I didn't realize I got this much stuff. Now to somehow tetris it (yes, that's a verb) into the trunk of my bug. And strip Evelyn of her freedom by strapping her into the carseat. And she's screaming again. At least this time I'm the only one who can hear her. 

I wonder how much it costs to have your groceries delivered.

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